and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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