Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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