So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
