a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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