you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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