I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
