Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
