You're earring is so big in my mouth
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
