My hand turned me down
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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