i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
