It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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