nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
