then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
