Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
