I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
