Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
