Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
