Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
