Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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