My friends, they love my intelligence
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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