it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
