i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
