They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
