I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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