i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
