you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
