I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
