woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
4 words: hood of his car
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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