i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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