There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
