i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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