Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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