What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
