My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
