My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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