So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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