I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
