my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
