So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
