You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I think im going to throw up on grandma
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
