It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
