I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
