You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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