Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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