I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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