Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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