Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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