I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible