I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?