the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.