Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?