in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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