dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
