I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
