I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
