I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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