my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
