Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
