I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
