trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
