i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
