I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
