things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
